August Newsletter: When Our Inner Critic Gets Loud
Have you ever had one of those moments when the voice in your head suddenly gets LOUD?
I'm not doing enough.
I should have handled that better.
What's wrong with me?
Everyone else seems to have it together.
I'm failing.
But here's something important to remember:
A thought is not a fact. And a critical thought is not necessarily the truth.
Often, the inner critic is a part of us that developed for a reason. It may believe that if it keeps us striving, anticipating, criticizing, or correcting ourselves, it can prevent us from making mistakes, being rejected, disappointing others, or losing control.
Have you also noticed that these thoughts often get loud when you are stressed, overwhelmed or emotionally activated. It’s much harder to reason with ourselves when we are highly activated - you can tell yourself “It’s ok, I’m safe. I don’t need to be perfect.”…but if your nervous system is in full alarm mode, your body may not be ready to believe you yet.
🧠 Before We Challenge the Thought, Regulate the Body
Regulation needs to come before reflection.
One DBT skill that can be helpful when emotions feel overwhelming is TIPP.
TIPP is a set of distress-tolerance strategies designed to help reduce intense emotional arousal and bring the body back toward a more manageable state.
T — Temperature
Changing your body temperature can help shift your physiological state.
My favorite is an ice cube placed at the base of your spine (at the back of your neck) You can also try splashing cool water on your face, holding something cool against your face, or stepping outside into cooler air.
The goal is to give your nervous system a strong sensory signal that can help interrupt escalating distress. It helps reset our nervous system.
I — Intense Exercise
When emotions are running high, brief physical movement can help discharge some of that activation.
Try jogging on the spot, climbing stairs, jumping jacks, or another form of movement that feels safe and appropriate for your body. Try to match the intensity of your feeling with the intensity of the exercise.
Even a few minutes can create a shift.
P — Paced Breathing
The next two are best done together, if possible.
Take slow and steady breaths, and try to allow a longer exhale for each breath.
For example:
Inhale for 4. Pause for 2
Exhale for 6. Pause for 2Repeat for a few minutes, allowing your breathing to become slower and more comfortable.
P — Paired Muscle Relaxation
As you breathe out, gently tense and then release different muscle groups.
For example, gently squeeze your shoulders toward your ears…
…and then let them drop.
Notice the difference between tension and release.
Move through different areas of your body, pairing the muscle release with a slow exhale.
TIPP isn't about making difficult emotions disappear.
It's about helping your body come down enough that you have more CHOICE in what happens next.
Often times, with a more regulated body, our centered self comes back online and we are able to challenge that inner critic. We can feel more grounded to see that those voices is all that they are, voices, and not facts about us. We have more room to get curious about that critical voice.
💛 Getting curious about the Inner Critic
What if, instead of trying to silence your inner critic, you become curious about it?
Often, the inner critic is a part of us that developed for a reason. In parts work, we understand that we all have different “parts” of ourselves that can show up at different times. This inner critic is only a part of us, it isn’t all of you. It’s one part that may have learned that criticizing, pushing or judging you was a way to keep you safe, prevent mistakes, or protect you from rejection or disappointment.
What is this part afraid would happen if it stopped criticizing me?
Sometimes underneath the criticism, we find another part that is scared, overwhelmed, or simply trying very hard to protect us. Curiousity allows us to listen without automatically believing everything that part is trying to say.
☀️Respond to it in a more Compassionate Way
Instead of:
“I'm such an idiot.”
Try:
“I'm noticing that part of me that is calling me an idiot.”
Instead of:
“I should be able to handle this.”
Try:
“A part of me believes I should be handling this better.”
That small shift can create some distance between you and the thought.
And from that space, you can ask:
Is this thought helpful?
Is it kind?
Is it actually true?
What would I say to someone I love who was feeling this way?
You don't have to replace your inner critic with constant positivity.
Sometimes a more compassionate thought is simply:
“I'm having a hard moment. I don't have to make it harder by attacking myself.”
A Practice for This Month
The next time you notice your inner critic getting loud, pause.
1. Notice:
What is my inner critic saying?
2. Regulate:
Am I too activated to work with this thought right now?
If yes, try TIPP.
3. Get curious:
What is this critical part trying to protect me from?
4. Respond:
What would be a more compassionate and realistic way of speaking to myself?
And remember:
You can listen to a part of yourself without letting it run the whole show.
Your inner critic may have a voice.
But it doesn't have to have the final say.
Note: TIPP is a DBT distress-tolerance skill. If you have a medical condition or physical limitation, choose regulation strategies that are safe and appropriate for you.
